Key Takeaways

• Temper tantrums are a normal part of child development. It’s a way your child communicates their feelings with you and tries to get their needs met.

• Be aware of your child’s tantrum triggers, like hunger, illness, and tiredness.

• If tantrums are extreme or last beyond the preschool years, then a child therapist can help.

Every parent of a toddler knows that temper tantrums are a common part of the experience. Almost every child throws tantrums sometimes.

It could be because they’re hungry, tired, or cranky, or because they didn’t get something they wanted. Regardless of the exact trigger, they can be frustrating and upsetting for both you and your child.

Tantrums are a normal part of development, and they can be a healthy way for your child to communicate their big feelings.

But there are ways for parents to deal with them and teach children how to manage emotions. If tantrums last beyond the preschool years, then a child therapist can help.

Understanding Why Tantrums Happen: The Psychology Behind Tantrums

Temper tantrums are a healthy part of child development.

They might look like crying, screaming, kicking, or hitting.

Your child might hold their breath or throw themselves to the ground. Although it may seem dramatic in the moment, they’re completely normal.

Essentially, children throw tantrums as a way to assert their own autonomy.

Toddlers are starting to understand that they’re their own people, independent of their caregivers. They want to try to do everything on their own, and don’t like to be told “no.”

Tantrums are also your child’s way of expressing themselves. Temper tantrums are most common for young children around 2 or 3 years old.

At this age, their brains are still rapidly developing. They still haven’t developed the skills they need to express themselves — including both verbal language as well as the ability to even identify what emotions they’re feeling.

Part of why tantrums happen has to do with a part of the brain called the frontal lobe, which isn’t developed yet in young children (and doesn’t fully develop until after adolescence).

This means they don’t have important skills like impulse control, emotional regulation, and problem-solving. All they know is they’re upset — and tantrums are their way of letting you know.

Preventing Tantrums Before They Start

The best way to deal with temper tantrums is to prevent them from happening in the first place.

It’s likely impossible to prevent tantrums from happening altogether. Every child has tantrums sometimes. But there are some ways to lessen the frequency or intensity of tantrums.

Identifying common tantrum triggers

Try to notice what situations or triggers lead to tantrums for your child. Some common tantrum triggers include:

• Hunger

• Thirst

• Tiredness or sleep-deprivation

• Illness or injury, like having a cold

• Overstimulation

• Changes in routine

• Transitions, like getting ready for bed

• Too much sugar

• Being told “no”

When you know what situations can lead to tantrums, you can either avoid them altogether (for example, keep snacks and water on hand) or make a plan in advance to deal with them when you know they’re a possibility.

Strategies for minimizing tantrums

On top of understanding your child’s tantrum triggers, there are some other things you can do to prevent tantrums from occurring as much as possible. 

• Stick to a predictable routine: When your child knows what’s coming next, they may be less likely to throw tantrums. For example, start their bedtime routine at the same time every night.

• Plan for transitions: If you know a transition is coming up — like TV time is coming to an end — plan ahead for them, and keep your child informed. Timers can work well for this.

• Keep an eye on your child’s basic needs: Try to make sure your child’s basic needs are always met. For example, make sure they’re getting enough sleep, and that any illness or injuries are attended to promptly.

• Offer choices: Try to offer your child as much autonomy as possible. Reflect on whether you really need to say “no” to what they want, or if you can offer them another choice. Your child may be less likely to have a tantrum if they feel more in control.

How to Respond During a Tantrum

Again, you can’t prevent all tantrums. So knowing how to respond when your child is already in the middle of a tantrum is important, too.

There is conflicting information out there on how to respond during tantrums, which can make things confusing for parents. There’s not necessarily one “right” way to respond, but here’s what we suggest.

Should you ignore tantrums? Expert opinions

Some experts, including the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Harvard Health, recommend ignoring certain behaviors like tantrums. Other experts argue that ignoring tantrums, especially in toddlers, can feel invalidating and neglect their emotional needs.

Ignoring can sometimes be helpful for some children, while others might benefit more from comfort.

If you do ignore it, you need to go about it in the right way.

Before you consider ignoring the behavior, it’s essential to validate your child’s emotions, first. If you simply ignore them right away, then your child will have no way to get their needs met. 

Remember, children — especially younger children — have tantrums as a way to express big feelings. And they need to have those feelings seen and validated.

You might try saying something like, “I know you’re feeling really angry right now because we had to leave the park. It’s okay to have big feelings. Do you want a hug?” If your child continues to have a tantrum after validation, you might try ignoring or distracting them with another activity.

Also, keep in mind that you should never ignore tantrums if your child is hurting themselves or other people. Safety should always come first.

Positive reinforcement techniques

You can also use positive reinforcement to encourage your child’s efforts to manage their emotions.

The moment they start behaving cooperatively, or making an effort toward calming their emotions, offer lots of affirmation and praise. Affirmations should be specific, immediate, and genuinely enthusiastic.

For example, instead of saying, “Great job!” say, “Wow, you ate your dinner even though I know it’s not your favorite! You’re so brave!” or, “I know you wished we could have stayed longer, but I really appreciated how you left calmly with me. Thank you so much. I’m really proud of you.”

Teaching Emotional Regulation to Your Child

Emotional regulation is the skill of managing your own emotions.

Your toddler won’t be able to master this skill yet, but by teaching them about their emotions from an early age, you can support them in strengthening their emotional regulation abilities as they get older.

The importance of validating feelings

The importance of validating your child’s emotions can’t be overstated. Your child has tantrums to express their emotions, and feeling invalidated will likely only make them feel more angry and overwhelmed. 

We can all relate to the need for validation, even as adults. Think about the last time you were really upset about something. Now, imagine that someone told you: “Why are you so upset? It’s no big deal. Just calm down.” That likely wouldn’t feel very good — it might even make you more upset. 

In the same way, it’s important not to invalidate your child’s feelings. What they’re having a tantrum about may not seem like a “big deal” to you, but it’s causing distress for them. That needs to be validated.

But it’s important to validate yourself, too.

When your emotions are running high, then it could be more difficult to validate and help regulate your child’s feelings.

It’s completely understandable to feel frustrated or annoyed when your child is having a tantrum. Allow yourself to feel these emotions, and regulate yourself as much as you can before trying to approach your child.

Simple exercises to help children manage emotions

Infants and toddlers have limited self-regulation skills — they need you to help them feel better. Older children still need your support and help, but they’re able to start learning more advanced ways of managing their own emotions.

There are many ways to help your child manage their emotions. One of the most important things is to teach your child how to identify and name their emotions.

The older they get, the more specific they can be. For example, you might talk with them about the differences between frustrated, enraged, and disappointed. Emotional identification is often the first step to healthy self-regulation.

You can also use more concrete strategies. For example, you might set up a “calm corner” in your home where your child can go to themselves. You might also teach them developmentally appropriate breathing techniques

When to Seek Professional Help for Tantrums

Tantrums are a common and normal part of childhood, especially between the ages of 1 and 4. They don’t typically mean that there’s an underlying problem. 

But if the tantrums are so severe that you’re having difficulty managing them — for example, if your child severely hurts themselves or others during tantrums — or if they don’t seem to be getting better as your child gets older, then you (and your child) could benefit from professional support.

Children who continue to have tantrums and meltdowns beyond their preschool years could live with underlying neurodevelopmental conditions (like autism, ADHD, or sensory processing disorder) or other mental health conditions.

A therapist can help you rule these things out and work with both you and your child to manage tantrums and build a stronger relationship.

Takeaway

Temper tantrums can be frustrating for parents, but it’s a normal part of development that most toddlers go through.

By being aware of (and making a plan to deal with) your child’s tantrum triggers and validating their emotions, you can help your child start to strengthen their self-regulation skills.

If your child’s tantrums are worrying you or are getting in the way of their success at school or at home, then a child therapist can help.

Through Emora Health, you can connect with a team of child therapists with expertise in working with children of different age groups and backgrounds. Talk to us about what your child is going through — we’re here to help.

Sources

Leung, A., & Fagan, J. E. (1991). Temper tantrums. American Family Physician. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/1858612/

Sisterhen, L. L., & Wy, P. a. W. (2023, February 4). Temper tantrums. StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK544286/

Sperling, J., PhD. (2020, May 22). How to respond to tantrums. Harvard Health.https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/how-to-respond-to-tantrums-2020051919845

Tips for using ignoring. (2024, August 8). Essentials for Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers. https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/discipline-consequences/ignoring.html